And we're back...

It has been a struggle for me to begin posting on here again.

It seems as if the more time goes by, the harder it is to jump back in again.

I love this online journal documenting our family life. I hope those of you who read this enjoy the little snippets from our world, but mostly it is fun for me to look back and see the things we have done.

I have wanted to continue this family blog, but whenever I look at it I am reminded of the reason there is such a big gap in time to begin with. But somethings can be too sacred, too emotionally raw, too taboo for such a public forum.

I have debated whether or not to post something this personal on here, but I have decided that this gap needed to be recognized and given a moment.

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This summer I was pregnant.

I had a miscarriage.

***

It has been 5 months now and still the emotions and sadness of it all come in unexpected waves.

Overall, I'm doing much better. I have learned many things through this experience and one of those things is just how many women and couples go through the loss of a baby. It is devastating. It changes you. And though it can be hard, awkward, and the timing may never be quite right, it has been healing for me to talk about it. That may not be the case for other people and I respect that. But for me, it has been helpful to try to let others know what we have been going through.

For those of you who didn't know about this, I'm sorry this blog is the way you found out. It doesn't mean that I didn't want to share with you. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I desperately wanted everyone to know. It's just, please tell me, how do you make that kind of announcement?

I want to thank my dear husband for his love and support. Daniel, I couldn't get through this without you by my side. This is something that we are going through together and I know the experience has strengthened our relationship. It has given us greater love and appreciation for each other as well as our precious daughter, Charlotte. I know that each moment I have with her is a gift and I am so thankful I have the blessing of being her mother. She brings so much joy and meaning to my life. I love you both.

I am comforted by the message of the gospel and for the knowledge that families can be together forever. This time of year brings awe and wonder as I contemplate the circumstances surrounding the birth of our Savior. While visiting BYU's campus this last fall I went to the Museum of Art and came across this painting of the Nativity by Brian Kershisnik.

The original painting is an impressive 7 feet high and 17 feet wide and takes up an entire wall. It's scale is magnificent. There are many things that I love about this painting - the fatigue that shows in Mary's face, the relieved look on Joseph's, the attending midwives washing their hands... all of this is beautifully depicted. I love the movement that is created as the angels flow across the sky. If you look closely, there are angels of all ages. I have never before paid much attention to infant or child angels in art, but now they have a much greater significance for me. This painting brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my own Baby Angel.

May the joy of what our Savior's birth really means touch your heart as this painting did mine.

God Bless.

Merry Christmas.